The thing with relationships is, everyone has one or two things that are completely unacceptable, even in marriage. For some it might be habitually lying or yelling (disrespect). For others, being home when you say you will be consistently might be a huge issue. Some can’t live with a partner that can’t keep their finances straight. Whatever the “can’t have” item(s) is, you have to honor it/them or face the unintended consequences of non-compliance.
Unintended consequences might include less time together, less intimacy, or more heated arguments…but the worst is callousness and the eventual emotional withdrawal from the relationship.
I am not excusing the person that emotionally withdraws by any means because I do believe marriage is forever, however, part of forever has to include honoring the other person with your respect by doing the things that makes them most feel loved by you and to also avoid the things that tears at the fabric of it. You can’t expect a person to give you undying love and affection if and when they have clearly conveyed to you the things that make them feel unloved and you continue to do them anyway?
The fissure in many relationships begins, not by one or two acts of defiance, but many over time that one either learns to reluctantly accept or (equally) worse, logs into a relationship “stamp” book that when full, means the end.
This is actually quite true. The relationships I’ve been in have generally ended because after the intial process of wooing me they seemed to either forget or simply not care about the things that made me feel loved and cared for while I kept doing things I knew made them feel special eventually I’d get tired of doing all the work we’d break up because you know then they’d get sick of getting basically the same treatment I was getting.
I don’t think I’m the perfect girlfriend by any means and I don’t expect miracles really the only thing I need is at least some quality time with you and I mean quality time as in you aren’t multi-tasking. It’s not even that I’m asking for every moment of every day because I’m a really independent lonerish sort for the most part and the only thing that annoys me more then you know being completely neglected in a relationship is being smothered. All I ask some time each day to spend with the person I love we don’t even have to be doing anything terribly interesting. I just want to know you’re there and I can rely on you.
For whatever reason however that’s always been difficult for people with me. The one girl I’ve ever truly loved was probably the worst about this. It was actually a big part of why we broke up well that and trust issues and I sometimes suspect that it was in general a one sided thing. We would go weeks without talking and even when she was around she didn’t want to spend time with me she wanted to play video games which is cool I love video games and I understand the need to kill things after a stressful day, but it really hurt me that she didn’t make the effort to spend time with me and when she did it was as though I was forcing it upon her.
Which is why when I tell people how I feel about her and also that despite the fact I’ll always have feelings for her I know we don’t work as a couple. One of my friends told me that if I still feel that way about her I should go after her, but unlike him I realize what’s done is done and even if I did there’s not much point if I’m going to be the only one putting forth effort in the relationship.
I deserve better and it took me a long time to realize that the girl I’m talking about is someone I was chasing after years after we broke up because my feelings were so strong and like most people I put all the blame on myself for the relationship ending and yeah there were things I could of done, but all she had to was make time for me and she chose not to. I always thought it was because I wasn’t worthy of her, but that’s not it at all. I was always there for her and always protecting her even when our mutual friends and everyone else were trying to destroy our relationship. I loved her and I trusted her and I kept trying for us until the day she acted like I was a prick for wanting to talk to her for a little bit after she’d been avoiding me for a couple of weeks. It was clear the relationship was over at that point and it still is.
I learned a lot from her about myself and about relationships and I’m thankful for her and I still think she’s a very special person. Would I give it another try though?
No I wouldn’t because I deserve much better. Sometimes the feelings I have for her still come out when I talk to her, but then I think about it and I realize you know it’s over it was probably over long before we actually broke up.
And besides I have high hopes for D and me. He’s been more special to me in the past year then I think even she or anyone else I’ve ever actually been with has ever been and I mean we’re not even together or anything he’s just this great person who makes me really happy and who even if we’re at work or just playing WoW without saying anything to eachother I really enjoy his presence and every moment I get with him just fills me with so much happiness that even if I’m worried or depressed I can’t help but smile. It’s a very nice feeling.
